God's Redeeming Love

God has loved the sin right out of me.

Going into college I did not expect God to do what he has done for me. As I write this I’m gonna be going back in time and reliving those ultimate moments of forgiveness.

Standing on the other side of shame and guilt is so beautiful and so free. It’s beautiful, because God has carried me through, when I didn’t think I would even get to where I am today. I get to live in freedom.

Sometime during my sophomore year of high school I started to watch pornography. I did not know why I watched, but I did know that something inside of me was satisfied when I did so.

But then that satisfaction only lasted for a little while. So I found myself watching a couple times a week and then almost daily.

This went on for a while...

In my own strength I tried to work this sin out of me. I knew it was wrong, but I just couldn’t let it go. I would be so angry with myself. Angry that I couldn’t rid myself of this sin and angry at God for keeping it in my life. But I didn’t realize, that I didn’t have to hate myself, but hate the sin. I didn’t have to be angry at God, but be angry that the enemy was trying to take claim of a body that was made perfect by God.

This scripture comes to mind as I write this and this is exactly how I felt..

14 So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. 15 I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. 16 But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. 17 So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
18 And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a] I want to do what is right, but I can’t. 19 I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. 20 But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
Romans 7:14-20

Sometimes we know exactly what is good for us, but the sin is so tempting.

So because of this sin that I hated, I was bitter for so long. All because I just couldn’t get myself to do what was right.. I thought I would never be able to truly love who I was. I thought I had to work for God’s love. I thought I had to work for the love of others. I thought I would never have people around me who genuinely cared about who I was and how I was.

But then my freshman year of college I was introduced to a church that taught me exactly who God was, who I was, and where my identity lies. I no longer had to work to be seen by God. I no longer had to work to be seen by people.

I learned that my identity lies in what Jesus did for me on the Cross. I was redeemed and man I got some crazy good salvation. I was reminded often that there was no perfect person on earth, we’re all pretty messy.

But for all of our messy souls, Jesus died.

So because I got to surround myself with people who were also messy, I learned that nothing is too messy for God and I could never ever out work the Cross. Jesus did the ultimate for us. Jesus did more work than we ever could.

I got to see people come together weekly and talk about all the not so fun things that were going on in their lives. That really does something for the soul. Seeing people live so authentically in a world where it just isn’t the norm changed my life.

I realized that maybe a different life was possible for me. I realized that my need for pornography lessened and more and more I was seeking Jesus.

It was the summer after my freshman year that God sent a human to pursue my socks off. (This girl is now one of my closest friends!!) Never had someone wanted to just know me and be with me. I remember she would Snapchat me and text literally like everyday. I would think, “why is she doing this” and sometimes honestly be annoyed, haha! But through this relationship God showed me that this is exactly how he chases after us. He’s always there, waiting for us to turn to Him. He just wants to talk to us(for me its more of a dance with me, lol). But He really just wants to be with us.

So fast forward to that next holiday season.. one day I was sitting with God and I said “enough is enough. God I don’t want this anymore.” I surrendered my life to Him.

From those moments on God has shown me just how amazing he can be. That mustard seed moment has turned into this glorious life of falling over and God picking me back up.. over and over. Me wanting control and God saying, “Just let me handle it.”

I realized that what I was searching for when I first started watching was intimacy with God. That’s what my heart truly desired. And maaan has He shown me what it’s like to b

In the past two years since that surrender moment, I’ve had to surrender my life daily to Him, because I can’t do this life on my own. God allowed me to start forming my own written voice when I started a blog. God allowed me the grit and grace to deal with relationships that weren’t for me. He has given me the humble heart to invite people to experience Him in intimate community. He has allowed me the strength to stand in front of His people and proclaim His good love. He has allowed me to be surrounded by people who genuinely care about who I am and how I am.

For all of this I am eternally grateful.

God saved me with His redeeming love.