My Spiritual Journey Part 4

To begin, I am well aware of how my own woundedness impacted this particular season of my faith life.

My faith brought me to KC and I communed with a church that was known world wide. I was into the more celebrity culture of pastors for a time. A few months in, I recognized that I desired depth in teaching; like I had been getting in the school gym with the Presbyterian congregation. The self help kind of messages tickled the ear but did little for my soul.

I moved to a new church. A big church, thousands of people showing up weekly. A church that taught in line with what I agreed with at the time - I had stayed pretty Reformed in thought and would’ve considered myself a reformed baptist. What I know about those of reformed belief is that they think very critically and deeply about theology. And even though I would later separate myself from their line of thought I am grateful that I learned from this realm of theology to think critically and have premises for what I believed.

Back to the story. My heart has always wanted to see people thrive in community. I began to get plugged in at this new church and became part of a group. I remember discerning whether or not I wanted to be the leader... Having grown in cultivating leadership during college and post college, as I reflect back it seems that it may have been “obvious” to who was helping begin our group that I would be the leader. I had taken interest and no one else had. The gal that was helping us launch our group, on her last night shared that I would be the leader. I remember sending a text as we were all still finishing up in the group saying something along the lines of having not committed yet to leading. I don’t remember what was said back, but it was probably something that would affirm my ability to lead the group. But to the Lord my ability didn’t matter in this context because He had something different - which is a whole ‘nother story.

I would later go on to lead women who were leading women. Which, from what I know, was/is one of the highest roles for the community in this church - probably a 100 women in some capacity under me. I would later tell my mentor that it felt like a part time job serving within the church - should it be this way? I was readily available by phone, for coffee, my space... to help women launch groups, to make sure people felt seen and known.

It sometimes felt shameful to not be hyper plugged in.
It being somewhat suggested for me to have a valid reason for not showing up and committing to something.
To hear that check in's are minimal because "I know you've got it."

I said "yes" and "yes" again and again... to keep serving and growing in leadership because I felt seen. Something in my ego was being satisfied by the amount I was pouring out. Little did I know I was falling apart on the inside. I wasn't truly seen though. But I wouldn't realize that until later.

I committed to building, what feels like to me, a brand more than building His Church.